Your Cash, Mosquito Boat

That was the subject heading for an email I got today. How do people come up with something so ridiculously hilarious? Here's a few more just from the last few days:

• looting. Dork. Try.
• boring tissue paper
• suddenly carry

God's Talkin'??

So, I'm walking home from the office this afternoon and pass by a church/ministry/somethingorother that I've seen serving food to the homeless on occasion. As I'm approaching, I hear the tune to "Play That Funky Music White Boy" but can't quite make out the words. I assumed that was the song playing, white people trying to score some ministry points. Next I hear "Jive Talkin'," but being a little closer to the source and having grown up listening to that song (thanks, Dad), it didn't sound like any of the Gibbs singing it. Turns out it's one of those situations where Christians try to hijack culture - or at least ride on its coattails - except this time the coat is from 1975. The song was "God's Talkin'." I can't stand it when Christians do that, but at least it made me laugh.

Hey, That Bum's Wearing My T-Shirt!

It finally happened. After years of sending old clothes off to The Potter's House (local thrift store), I saw one of my t-shirts sported by a dumster diver at my old apartment complex. How do I know it was one of mine? The odds are incredibly slim that there would be another CSF (Christian Student Fellowship) shirt from the University of Louisiana-Monroe/Louisiana Tech with a quote from C. Gregg Singer on the back circulating in Athens. The diver also made out with my frying pan, silver tin (in which he was going to put his radio), and who knows what else. My contribution to the Athens community.

Paedocommunion: The Family Meal

Tomorrow I'll be spending the final Sunday school lesson on the Lord's Supper with the third through fifth graders, some of whom are participating in it during worship. It'll be good - another opportunity to show them how we point to Christ during the worship service. I bought into paedocommunion a while back and my stance hasn't changed, but I haven't really thought about it in a while. Recently at church we've changed how we do LS: going to the front to receive the elements, adding wine to the trays (finally!), and introducing some explanation of the sacrament along with prayers for folks who are at different places in their spiritual lives (e.g., nonchristians, Christians struggling with sin, covenant children who haven't made a public profession), all of which I think are helpful and good.

Last week I was reading closely the explanation of the sacrament and the prayer for noncommuning covenant children and was struck by something that I once put very little stock in but have been thinking is more important than I suspected. To the paedocommunionist, it comes across as an inconsistency; to the non-PCist, it is a proper division to make between the sacraments of the Church. I'm not sure if it's an inconsistency in a deep sense, but the surface inconsistency of it has been troubling me (ever so lightly) more and more. The first lines of the explanation: "Communion, also called The Lord's Supper, is the family meal of Christians. We invite all committed followers of Jesus Christ to share in this meal: those who are baptized and have made a public profession of faith in Jesus Christ and who seek strength to live more faithfully for Christ." The first line of the covenant children prayer: "Lord Jesus, thank you for placing me inside your family, the church." Okay, so we have the following:

The Lord's Supper is the family meal of Christians.
The "family" here is the church.
Covenant children are in that family.
Covenant children are not allowed to partake of The Lord's Supper

by virtue of their being members of the family.

Again, I know why non-PCists say this isn't an inconsistency at an important theological level, but there seems to be a different theological level at which it is inconsistent. It isn't an inconsistency if the family is that of baptized and professing believers; it is an inconsistency if the family is those who have been entered into the church through baptism. It won't do to get around the inconsistency by saying that the family is that of believers (from a God's-eye perspective), those who have had their hearts transformed by God. First, we don't know hearts the way God does; second, we'd have to come to terms with the reality that nonbelievers who nevertheless have publicly professed faith are partaking of LS. Out of the frying pan into the fire with that line of argument. Yet, that thinking seems to be floating ever so closely behind the public profession requirement. We want to make (more) certain that those who partake are doing so in recognition of what the sacrament is pointing to. We want to make (more) certain that believers are partaking.

This isn't a bad thing. In fact, I would hope that any PCist would agree that we need to make certain that believers are partaking, that those who are partaking are living the sort of life that the sacrament reflects (for instance). That's what makes LS an effective disciplinary action: you're not acting like a member of the family, so you don't need to share in the family meal. Recently, someone who was barred from the table at Redeemer years ago was restored to fellowship, and it was nothing short of a joy to share the family meal with this person. It is a strong, visible sign of who is in the family. And surely catechism needs to accompany participation in LS, understanding what the sacrament signifies. But these points don't necessarily rule out our covenant children being included in the family meal by virtue of their baptism. It can be an effective disciplinary action for them as much as for anyone else; as they participate, they can be (and ought to be) taught what it means, what their lives need to reflect, and that they need to profess their faith. But in this case, it is not a requirement of beginning to participate but rather a requirement of continuing to participate. It remains a requirement, but it is inserted in a different spot along the participation continuum.

I used to be relatively unmoved by those poor ignorant (in the nicest sense!) children who, reaching for the bread and wine, were passed by. I say relatively because I always thought it was sad, but I also thought it really had nothing to do with the theological ins and outs of the PC debate. But what are we teaching our children when we refuse them the family meal yet continue to say that they are family members? The importance of showing that you know enough in order to participate? I suspect that they understand pretty well what is going on (at some nonintellectual level) when this happens: I'm included but I'm also excluded. I'm not comfortable with a lesson like that. I wonder how much of a connection one could draw between this lesson and the disinterested seven and eight year olds busy at their crayon drawings during worship. If I felt excluded, I'd probably lose interest, too.

Dental Delay No More

After literally months of waiting, I finally scored an appointment at the Athens Tech Dental Clinic for this morning. It's kind of like going to hairdressing college to get a haircut, but hopefully the analogy breaks down at some point, as in I hope they don't screw my teeth up. For less than $30 I get a thorough examination, teeth cleaning to remove all the plaque and calculus build up, and x-rays. My teeth and gums were in surprisingly good shape for not having gone to the dentist in probably a decade. But there was still a good bit of cleaning to do in one area. My assistant (a cute blonde named Hope) was pretty stoked that she got to use "the new instrument" - some kind of monster water pick that basically pressure washes your teeth - with which she ended up washing my face as well as my teeth. The thing about the dental clinic is that it takes a long time since they are in training, and Hope wasn't too good with the computer. "I hate computers," was the phrase she used. So, I only got half my teeth cleaned and will go back in a couple of weeks for the other half and the xrays, but I don't mind. The price is right and I have no oppressive time constraints at the moment.

When she was showing me how to brush and floss, this childhood song from the "Bathroom Buddies" animated short kept running through my head (I couldn't remember all the words, nor the name of the skit, it being nearly 30 years ago, so I had to look them up - thank you, Internet):

Brush your teeth, round and round.

Circle small, gums and all.

A small, soft toothbrush the round and round way

Will keep your gums healthy and stop tooth decay.

So clean very carefully three times a day

Go 'round and 'round (yeah!)

Round and round

In fact, snippets of the song come to mind often when I brush, which is definitely not three times a day. I also got samples of Crest's "Cinnamon Rush," "Refreshing Vanilla Mint," and "Fresh Citrus Breeze," none of which Hope likes but I told her I'd give them a try and give my report when I come back.

Books From Borders

That 3 for the price of 2 deal gets me every time.

A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson. Already listened to it on mp3, but it's worth having a hard copy for the reference value. A really nice plunge into the world (and history) of science.

The Elegant Universe, Brian Greene. Listened to this professor of physics and mathematic's book on modern physics, The Fabric of the Cosmos, and really enjoyed it (even if I didn't follow all of it that closely). This is his treatment of string theory. It's got pictures, so maybe I'll be able to follow it a bit better!

The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, Max Brooks. Okay, so I needed this one to get my three books, but from what little flipping through I did it is absolutely hilarious - and I didn't have to flip for long to get to the funny parts. Example: randomly flipped to page 75.

4. IMMEDIATE DEFENSE. [part of the section on Defending Your Home]

The dead have risen. You smell the smoke, hear the sirens. Screams and shots fill the air. You have been unable or unwilling to properly prepare your home - what now? Although the situation looks grim, it by no means signals your demise. If you take the right actions at the right time, you can save yourself and your family from joining the ranks of the undead.

It then goes on to detail strategies for both two- and single-story homes. Example:

B. Strategies for Single-Story Homes

If you do not live in a two-story house, the attic will be a less comfortable but equally secure substitute. Most can be secured by simply raising the retractable staircase or removing the temporary ladder. Zombies lack the cognitive ability to build a ladder of their own. If you stay quiet, they will not even know that an attic exists.

Never use a basement as a shelter. Popular horror flicks have shown that, in a crunch, this subterranean chamber can protect the living from the dead. This is a dangerous fallacy. Burning, suffocating, or simply starving to death in basements have claimed hundreds of lives over the years.

Etc. And there're 253 more pages just like it. The appendix? A journal to record "suspicious events that could indicate a possible outbreak." Sweet.

What I Learned At Work 5

1. What it must be like to wear high heels, or The sting of stilettoes. No, I've never actually worn high heels before. I'm not transvestic, thank you very much. But sometimes we have to wear these contraptions with a bunch of thin, metal cleats on the bottom that strap on to the shoes. Granted, stiletto heels have only one of these per shoe, but we still have to walk rather gingerly around so as not to slip and mess up the floor we're putting down. I'm sure that from the ankles up we look pretty funny walking around. Well, I'm equally sure we look funny all the way around. The only downside is that it doesn't give my behind an added lift.

2. Lactitol gives me gas. A certain individual with whom I work closely decided to buy some muffins. Muffins which happened to have no sugar added to them. What are they sweetened with? A sugar alcohol called lactitol. The effects on the test subjects were not that surprising, as I already knew that maltitol did the same thing after trying some sugar free chocolate. Those pesky sugar alcohols. It does the same thing to pigs.

3. The word "fart" still makes me laugh after all these years. See above.

From The Depths To The Throne

A couple of things that have struck me lately, during a time when I apparently think I'm too busy to maintain the most important relationship I have and to make adequate use of the means of grace.

Though my sins rise to heaven thy merits soar above them;
Though unrighteousness weighs me down to hell, thy righteousness

exalts me to thy throne.

All things in me call for my rejection,
All things in thee plead my acceptance.

(From The Valley of Vision)

Thou dost not play in convincing me of sin,
Satan did not play in tempting me to it,
I do not play when I sink in deep mire, for sin

is no game, no toy, no bauble;

Let me never forget that the heinousness of sin lies not so much

in the nature of the sin committed, as in the greatness of

the Person sinned against.

(From The Valley of Vision)

Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in

affliction and in irons, for they had rebelled against the

words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most High.

So he bowed their hearts down with hard labor;

they fell down, with none to help.

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,

and burst their bonds apart.

Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love,

for his wondrous works to the children of men!

Some were fools through their sinful ways,

and because of their iniquities suffered affliction;

they loathed any kind of food, and they drew near to the

gates of death.

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

He sent out his word and healed them,

and he delivered them from their destruction.

Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love,

for his wondrous works to the children of men!

(Psalm 107:10-15, 16-21)

Catch Up

Wow, I didn't realize that it'd been so long since I wrote in this thing. Let's see how much I can recall over that past 10 days...

Been working with concrete a lot last week. We finished a job on Monday where we made a back deck and patio look like slate tiles. It turned out well, especially since it was the first time any of us had used the slate stamp pattern. The homeowner liked it so much he wants us to do his downstairs patio.

Been finishing figuring out what I want to cover in my Honors classes this fall. I'm sending off material from books and notes to a third party company that cleans them up and binds them and the students purchase the texts from them. Supposedly it's cheaper for them (it costs nothing for me) and I get exactly what I want in the text. We'll see how that goes.

Haven't been writing like I need to. Started a draft for a Kierkegaard paper, but it hasn't gotten very far. Almost done with a paper I started last year.

Relatedly, there are four lock mail boxes for packages at my apartment complex. When I checked my mail, there was a key for one of them in my box. I wasn't expecting any packages. What could it be? I went to open the lock box...but it was already open, along with two other ones! Someone had pried open the ones that didn't have the key stuck in them (they lock when the key is in there) and taken whatever was in there. What the heck do people think they're gonna find in there? I would suspect that people generally don't get the sorts of packages that would go for a lot on the black market. I couldn't remember what could have been in my box until late last night, and this is where the relation to writing papers comes in. It must have been a journal I ordered from Spain (it was in English) on the topic of the paper I'm almost done with. In that paper, I'm responding to a paper by a philosopher who I wrote my published article on. (Yes, I know, two sentences in a row ending in a preposition. Deal with it.) The journal published his paper (a copy of which he sent me last year) along with responses to it by other philosophers. I wanted to get my hands on those responses, and the only way I could was to buy the journal. Well, there's $35 down the drain. It's probably in the bottom of some moron's trash can right now. Hopefully the moron that took my journal!

I'm moving to another apartment at the end of the month. I need to get the rest of this junk out of here so that I can clean the place up by the inspection date.

Went to see the Athens fireworks from the top of the downtown parking deck July 4th with Kathryn, Kristin (sp?), and Tbole. Good grief, it was muggy! And cloudy. But we had a good time. From that vantage point, you get to see the two big Athens fireworks shows plus several little ones from near and far. I like it, particularly since you don't have to fight the crowds, but if you'd rather be right under the fireworks, showered in the lights of the show, feeling the booms shudder straight through you, then by all means fall headlong into the mouth of the Athens public. I dare not.

I guess that's about it. Ta ta for now.